I realised that Ale, Doofus,Edu,Grzesiek and Ramon do not have facebook and thus do not read these stories of mine that I post there so I am making amends now by joining 2 of them in 1 blog post. So on we go:
Excerpts from life in the MotherlandFirst of all I would like to state that I just love taxi drivers back home. I can bet that you don’t get guys like this in other countries, save the other Balkan holes. Anyhow, back to the point – the motherland.
I might have spoken about this custom of ours, you see each household celebrates a specific saint day and we call it slava ( literally meaning glory – funny how we see ourselves, eh?). So, my mothers faimly’s slava is Saint Nicholas, on 19th of December, and to make it clear we had a lunch set at 13 30 that day. Now, I woke up with an immense hangover, and could barely stand on my feet. I felt like a skeleton (you know the feeling when you wake up, mouth dry, stomach empty and you feel you weigh nothing?) and I had a coffee and a cig to start my day and then I dressed up all smart – shirt, tie, shoes, cigarette case – everything! The moment I went out to the street to grab a cab I realised my mistake, I haven’t noticed in my state but it has been snowing and raining the whole night! It was quite an effort to stand on my feet in those shoes, sliding as they were, and to ignore the stares from people; just imagine me all dressed up, sliding down, cursing and trying to light a cigarette in vain.
The cab driver was silent until the moment we saw a fat women crossing the street. Then he said to me
Taxi Driver:“Look at this women. She must be so unhappy being so ugly and fat”
(I thought for a moment to say look at yourself but wisely replied) “I guess so”
TD: “You know I was like that too a year ago, but then I fell in love with this women. She looks cosmical (putting his hands up and almost causing a crash). I already lost 15 kg for her:
Me: “Well that’s great, but maybe she needs more”
TD (deadly serious): “I will lose 15 kilos more!”
Great for him, but no banana.
When I got there, being me 15 mins earlier, I realised that others would be veeeeeeery late (and they were hour and more). Now, my grandpa from my mum’s side has a very high expectation when you get there. He always brings out a bottle of rakija, two glasses and with a exclamation “Let’s work!”makes you drink with him. Not to mention that he gets really awful rakija, almost like ethanol with fruit sirup. Several rakija’s (hours) later I went to my friend Stefan’s slava. There was also other friends of his there, so we had an interesting time emptying several bottles of wine. At some point two guys started arguing about God (it always happens that way, doesn’t it?):
Guy 1: “God doesn’t exist. I don’t believe in that”
G2: “ How can you not believe in that. God is great, with white tie and white Piaccoti shoes! (Bet you can’t get where this came from, it’ a primite Balkan/Belgrade vision of God, hahaha)
G1: “What do you know, you are just saying some crap!”
G2: “Look, IF you don’t believe in God you are shit. But it’s slava, so let’s drink some more”
Good old Serbian happy ending. Oh, I almost forgot to say but the next day was my 3rd driving test, I mean I drove without license anyway, so let’s make it formal! Now the funny part is that the driving school was sick and tired of me coming non-stop and joking around so they told me that I will pass, if I be silent. Not a problem when one is hangover. The car you do a test on is a Yugo, a very special Serbian-made car, almost like a cruel joke of mother mechanics. It doesn’t have a starting gear, you go to the second one and then to first one. Not understanding? I know, it’s rather hard. Nevertheless, it ended up with instructor almost driving instead of me, so that I can get that thing done and I did – I am a proud owner of Serbian driving license. The problem is that I haven’t really driven for more than a year, and when I sat down the next day in a car and tried to drive around Belgrade I figured out it is easier to hit on a girl knowing you will be rejected than to try and drive around Belgrade! Seriously, imagine if nobody respects the rules, everybody is shouting/swearing and roads are full of holes. Would you drive there?
Then the people. Same as always, only going to different places and bars (new ones do open all the time). There are always new stories, and it will never cease to amaze me how they have this twisted martyr syndrom – wanted to be hurt so that they can take revenge. Rather proper nuttheads. Then yesterday I was laughing with all my heart, another taxi driver was explaining me what he used to do ages ago when he was smuggler and thief. At some point he went abroad to work as he concluded “ fuck that country where you have nothing to steal” (during the 1990’s he went to Montenegro seaside, to the main beach in the main tourist center and realised there is not even one expensive towel he can steal!). To make it better he serves you sweets in the taxi, the taxi of 21st century as he puts it.
In conclusion, honestly, I usually need a month to adapt myself to Serbia and live as I used to. Given that the break is 3 weeks and that I just can’t be arsed I decided to escape to the mountains for a few days and come back on 31st of December. Good trip to me. x
P.S Sadly I havent' been able to locate a suitable White Mage to tell me my future and remove the black magic from me (if there is any).
Motherland storiesSo, more motherland stories. I went to the mountains and since it was just 3 us guys there we decided you know, let’s drink a bit and go in nightlife and look for some female beings. After finishing a bottle of red Johnie we figured out it is time to go and off we went but,but,but… unfortunately that day people haven’t arrived leaving us with some primary school excursion and 40+ people around. Hell no! Luckily enough other days were better and we met some Belgrade people and managed to see all the turbo folk/sport stars. Tetka video sam I Cecu!!!
Anyhow, there was a debate in the public whether or not to have Ceca singing for Serbian New Year in the front of national assembly. The issue is that the public budget is financing the concert and she is a widow of a war criminal so people object it. In my opinion it is the best pre-election commercial the ruling party could have got – it can’t get more popular than Ceca for masses of people.Common this wopman or cultural show, what do you think the people want??? :)
Oh yeah as I was celebrating New Year’s here my friend stayed at the mountain. They met some other friends of mine up there and went all together to the new year party. However, in the spirit of good old Balkan custom a fight broke out and half of them went out to “see what’s happening” and other half went home and nicked a coat from one of the original 2 guys that went there (again in the good old Balkan spirit). Luckily for him I knew the other guys so he got his coat back hahaha otherwise it would simply “dissapear”. Speaking about thieves I found out that my favourite thief is still in business selling stolen Italian stuff to people. Chuti for those who know him is also very much alive and asking for money.
Finally on very,very,very sad note they started making cigarette packages here with “smoking is dangerous” signs. A joke appeared immediately when a Gypsy comes to the street shop and asks for a pack of cigarettes. After getting one on which it says “smoking causes impotence” he asks the seller: “Hey, can I get the other cigarettes from which you get cancer?”. But, fear not, Davidoff already found a solution – they are selling packages with stickers. So, if you don’t like “smoking kills” sign you can simply take it away hahaha
P.S I quit driving until summer…
Rami I forgot to mention,but, I finally got my zippo engraved on winter break! Proud of me, eh?
